So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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