Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
