I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
not ubering you a puppy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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