from now on my penis is your penis
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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