You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
