First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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