I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
