I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
