I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
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Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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