Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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