You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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