Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
