My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
