R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
