i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
