wakey wakey hands off snakey
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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