I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
