I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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