The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
