This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
