dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I party with great urgency now.
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