put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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