I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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