I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
