herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
