I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
