He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
