i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dick very happy bro
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
