3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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