If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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