there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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