Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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