i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
