so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
