Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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