I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
