You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
