I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
