How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
