So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
