i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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