Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
