My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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