my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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