Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
