Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
