If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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