On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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