So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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