Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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