I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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