Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
