I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
