stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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