Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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