So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
