There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He shit in the fireplace
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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