The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
