I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
